


Final letter from the line

by Alexasnow



Series: letters from the line [6]
Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, War Horse (2011), tomhiddleston
Genre: F/M, Heartbreaking, Not Beta Read, Suicide, was difficult to write this end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 20:18:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3424202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathyn writes her final letters, we also here from members of Captain Nicholls regiment</p>
            </blockquote>





	Final letter from the line

I do not know if it is progress I see or my wishful thinking, but today the captain made eye contact and he seemed aware that the war had ended, he did not seem enthused by this memory, but then he hadn't been at the time. I tell him of how rationing has continued, but we all do OK, I also tell him of the talk of creating a national health service, all these changes, and some for the better, he talks about his day, and how enjoyed his walk earlier, maybe next time I should join him.  
He smiles at me, that dashing sweet smile that still has the power to make me feel nervous, he is handsome, I can't help but see it and briefly I think back to those nights that I longed for him to take me, his passionate thoughts invaded my mind, I shouldn't have been so bold, I still held hope for us in the recess of my mind, I thought I had set it free.

Before we parted ways, I kissed him softly, it did not receive the response I was hoping for, he cried into my arms, it was so gentle, the resulting emotion threw me, I didn't know what to think but I held him close.  
I left with a foolish feeling of hope that I allowed into my mind, but he was lucid and present my entire visit, this gave me a different hope, hope for him, to finally come home and have a normal life, whatever that is.  
I smile as I write this as upon my next visit we go for that walk, the grounds are beautiful, we hold hands, then we sat outside in the sun, he looked so peaceful. That storm and battle raging in his mind, seems to have quieted, I lay my head upon his shoulder, it was comfortable, he placed his arm around me.

"Kathryn" he said.

"Was there a chance for us?" He sounds wistful, far away, it’s a strange feeling.

I smiled. "Of course there was"

"I love you still Kathryn, do you still feel love for me?"

"I do indeed; I fell for you faster than a teenager with her first crush"

His smiles to himself, his cheeks a bit flushed, he even looks dashing embarrassed. "I love you Kathryn, you know how much your letters meant to me, how much you mean to me"

He holds me tighter to him. “Yes I do, I remember when I found your letters, at first I thought I was silly to reply but after your first response I was so glad I did, and I am glad to be in your life"

This conversation put me in great spirits. We enjoyed each other's company and hugged each other, his embrace was tight, he held on longer than usual, he almost stole my breath.

Love Kathryn

It took me many years to write this final letter as I grieve his loss still, I still recall that phone call I could barely believe it was true, how had he procured the means with which to take his life I will never understand, did they not watch him?, I would share his last words but I cannot they are mine alone, for my eyes only.  
You know how I longed for a happy ending first for us then for him alone but sadly this is a cruel world and things do not always end well for good people. A sad fact, I must ask you to accept what took me years to consider and process. I was furious for years as you saw with me his steady improvement or maybe I saw want I wanted to, but I know I saw the light in his eyes, that must of been masking that pain from clear view, I was too hopeful, I blamed myself for the longest time how did I not see it. I now understand that he could never forgive himself for surviving, I hope he finds peace in the next life that could not find here.

Even with all the time that has passed, I find my emotions rush to the surface, the tears burn my eyes, as he now watches over me, I take flowers to his grave and I always recall him on what is now known as remembrance day, the hell he suffered to ensure our freedom breaks my heart, I forever grateful for his huge sacrifice and grateful more so for the time I got to spend with him.

Love Kathyn

Surviving members of Captain Nicholls regiment still living were asked to give there thoughts however brief on Captain Nicholls. These letters are in the order we received them.

Mrs Barton:  
My Husband survived due to Captain Nicholls Bravery, he described him sometimes as crazed mad man who he was glad was on our side. I have been told so much about him, he sounds like he was a good soul who got lost over there, and never really got to come home. His death was a great loss to us all.

Private Gallaway:  
I was asked to write what I thought of Captain Nicholls, he was an amazing Captain, we were lucky the command passed to him. He was intelligent and smart in his tactics; no one could have done better in those circumstances.  
He was strong for us but he was strong for too long, he broke and no one could pick up the pieces sadly. I went to see him in the mental facility, he didn't remember me at first but before I left I saw that light of recognition in his eyes, as he saluted, then hugged me whilst saying goodbye.  
I could see it was painful for him to remember me, as he didn’t want to go back there, and the doctors told me not to trigger him, whatever that is, so I kept the conversation light, and I know he appreciated that. I was going to visit him again but before I could go back he was gone. The world lost a good man that day.

 

Private Barton:  
I have been asked to give my account of Captain Nicholls, what can I say, he was the most gentle soul, who had command forced upon him, he was an amazing Captain it saddens me to know how much he blamed himself, we never said a bad word about him.  
We did begin to worry when he seemed to have a death wish, well more than most can have in a war zone, he actively sought out risk. I was sad to hear that he had passed and the manner of his passing grieved me greatly. He couldn't take the pain any longer, he was in hell to long, and it destroyed him. Not many from our unit survived but I knew all of them, Nicholls was respected and held in high regard, I love the British accent and because of this I met my lovely wife. I owe my life and meeting my wife to him, he inspired me to be a romantic.

Nicholls was on the line longer than most soldiers I know, he did not get any reprieve, he was in hell for almost 3 years, he was also one of the only volunteers I knew, the majority were conscripted. His mother lost all of her sons to the war, then she and her husband died in an explosion. Tragedy struck many family’s harshly, in some cases an entire family was wiped out, as with poor Captain Nicholls, he lost everyone.

I did not find out about Captain Nicholls death until long after it had occurred, I did not know he was in facility for the mentally ill, had I known I would have gone to see him, I do not know if it would of helped him but it would of helped me, he could of met my wife and my son and I could of thanked him, but it was not to be, so every remembrance day, me, my wife and my son and Gallaway remember him, as he was, that posh ever so appropriate, brave Captain.

We finally got to meet that girl the Captain wrote to religiously, Katheryn, we got to read a few of his letters, it was nice but painful to recall all we went through, and thanks to Katheryn we always will have a part of him, I was proud to know him, proud to serve under him, and ever since I found out about what he went through after he got home, I and my family have done all we can for PTSD charities and sufferers alike.


End file.
